MY TROUBLES ARE DEMONS

      Are you sick of circumstances?
 

Sometimes, certain situations just choke you, and you find it difficult to breath a word. You start wondering if you really have a place in this world. Sometimes, it's like "it's fixed" and you can't go on. It appears to be predestined.  Perhaps someone might have told you it's destiny and you can't help but believe so. Most times, you pretend like everything is fine, and life keeps casting you to the ground. Although, you want to avoid the shame, the questions and the painful explanation of your plight. You mostly cover it with your smile and vowed never to make a sound about it.  But last night inside your bedroom, you lied in your bed with all these thoughts lingering through your mind. The voices in your head began to call you a failure, and you cried so much that tears could not expound your pain. Hmmmm.
I was almost killed by these crafty antics of the devil. I became embittered. To worsen things, people kept on asking me "why?" I couldn't find a single English word to reply. I cried like a baby. My pastor and momma kept telling me to let go and be happy but I guess I was addicted to the pain, the shame, the stress and failure. I could not think of anything good about myself. Everything I wrote or said about myself was filled with bitterness and hate. I hated myself and ultimately, I wished I could die. I could have just taken my life but I couldn't garner enough courage and strength.
This continued. None of those guys I call friends could see it. I guess they wanted me to say it first but God knows, I could not have utterred anything. One night, so cold a night, I failed to lock my troubles outside, so they came beckoning on me. Fortunately, a friend wrote this on my fb wall :

                   MY TROUBLES WERE DEMONS, SO I BECAME A MONSTER.
Long since I knew how to use a pen, I've been penning down my mind. Most times, I write down my future, ambitions, and dreams. Sometimes, I even read them and make a song out of them. I hardly had a complete day without a word about these visions. I had the dreams, I dreamt and the future, I drew with the pen of my imagination. Though, none of these were real but I believe they are possible if God is on my side.
I was the best in everything I did. Famous in the hood, best kid in college and socially good. Mom loved me and Dad did too. Every child wanted to be like me, the damsel knew I was cool. I was a king in the eyes and everyone knew I'll fly. Surely everyone can't like you, in fact some fellas saw me as a disease that feed on their shine, some dude felt I was proud because the way I speak or perhaps the manner in which I act. They turned every dark corner in the hood into a center where they discussed my issue. Sometimes, we laughed over our shortcomings.
Everything was going on smoothly until the day troubles remembered my doorstep and these demons raced down to our apartment, knocked out the door; and embraced me. I crashed thrice in 8th grade. I couldn't find my feet. My girlfriend used the door and shut it on me. Examination stood like a giant, my teachers delighted in giving me disgraceful results. Although, I never said this anywhere else other than this article but it's the unrevealed truth". For sure, I deserve more than the grades I was awarded. I couldn't say this out aloud, maybe because I lacked the gut. So; I admitted the faults and took responsiblity of the blame. My friend mocked me by saying : "you used to be good but your results are not better than the rest." It was extremely embarrassing.
Fortunately, I never allowed these troubles to bring me down. They were like demons. They followed me to everywhere I went to. I had to become a monster, I took this war to their doorstep and sent the devil, their father, thousands of mails. Telling him "from this day on, I deny myself rest till I'm blessed. I swear to be nothing less than the future I dreamt of". I saw my fall as no bus stop to my ambitions but as a story to be told when I attain glory. And that was in1982, I stand today as a professor.

These words were enough to mend my broken dreams. I started finding confidence in myself.

C. Timothy